I guess this the time where people tell you it’s at this age that you have something semi figured out in life and you know what the fuck you’ll do about it? Everyone tells you how hard it can be and you just nod and imagine how hard it can be. But damn, you REALLY had zero idea of how hard it would actually be and feel like until all these decisions are standing in front of you and looking at you with salivation all over their face...but you know what? That’s ok too. You’re not supposed to know thru other people. What would be the point of life if so?
I’m at the age where I’ve already figured out two of my chosen career paths. I’ve taken action towards most of them too. That part of life wasn’t hard. I also already know what and whom I want and will allow to enter my life. That was hard but I managed. What’s hard now? Learning to not let that inner ticking make me tick. I don’t know if it’s normal but no one ever truly talked to me about how much I’d feel like I’m running out of time. How I’d always feel like I have to run even if my lungs are collapsing and my legs will fail underneath me. Is it supposed to feel like someone is running after me late at night? And the only way to safety is sunrise and a vision of myself with a loving partner and a family? I think it’s my inner self telling me I’m running out of time. I know it’s crazy considering I just turned 28 this past October.
I guess I’m at the point in my life where I’ve accomplished certain things and am still contemplating certain career choices and have a stable life with what I chose to allow into my life. But my emotions...these motherfuckers are so fucking hard to tame. I was talking with my sibling the other day and one thing I mentioned was how one of my parents mentioned they didn’t want me to go thru life and not enjoy it. My response to that was that that is something I’ve just come to terms with. I’m ok with not being essentially ever truly and deeply utter stupid happy. My sisters response was that people like us, meaning her and I, will most likely never know what true happiness is or ever will be. And it’s ok to writer, read, & know this but I’ve accepted that. I think that’s part of the reason why I feel my depression hasn’t decreased a little.
In the past it was something I couldn't accept or even acknowledge. After many deep searches and a lot of crying I’ve finally acknowledged and accepted it. Not everyone CAN be happy and you know what? That’s ok too. As long as you can keep yourself grounded it’s ok. As for my wishes of a family I know it can and probably will happen at some point and maybe I’ll gain that happiness I yearned for in the past, but if not...that’s perfectly fine too. I guess my point in this is that not everyone’s the same and you shouldn’t feel guilty for not going thru what people expect you too go thru as you’re growing older. You go thru life at the beat of your own rhythm to cross them life crossroads..