I guess this the time where people tell you it’s at this age that you have something semi figured out in life and you know what the fuck you’ll do about it? Everyone tells you how hard it can be and you just nod and imagine how hard it can be. But damn, you REALLY had zero idea of how hard it would actually be and feel like until all these decisions are standing in front of you and looking at you with salivation all over their face...but you know what? That’s ok too. You’re not supposed to know thru other people. What would be the point of life if so?

I’m at the age where I’ve already figured out two of my chosen career paths. I’ve taken action towards most of them too. That part of life wasn’t hard. I also already know what and whom I want and will allow to enter my life. That was hard but I managed. What’s hard now? Learning to not let that inner ticking make me tick. I don’t know if it’s normal but no one ever truly talked to me about how much I’d feel like I’m running out of time. How I’d always feel like I have to run even if my lungs are collapsing and my legs will fail underneath me. Is it supposed to feel like someone is running after me late at night? And the only way to safety is sunrise and a vision of myself with a loving partner and a family? I think it’s my inner self telling me I’m running out of time. I know it’s crazy considering I just turned 28 this past October.

I guess I’m at the point in my life where I’ve accomplished certain things and am still contemplating certain career choices and have a stable life with what I chose to allow into my life. But my emotions...these motherfuckers are so fucking hard to tame. I was talking with my sibling the other day and one thing I mentioned was how one of my parents mentioned they didn’t want me to go thru life and not enjoy it. My response to that was that that is something I’ve just come to terms with. I’m ok with not being essentially ever truly and deeply utter stupid happy. My sisters response was that people like us, meaning her and I, will most likely never know what true happiness is or ever will be. And it’s ok to writer, read, & know this but I’ve accepted that. I think that’s part of the reason why I feel my depression hasn’t decreased a little.

In the past it was something I couldn't accept or even acknowledge.  After many deep searches and a lot of crying I’ve finally acknowledged and accepted it. Not everyone CAN be happy and you know what? That’s ok too. As long as you can keep yourself grounded it’s ok. As for my wishes of a family I know it can and probably will happen at some point and maybe I’ll gain that happiness I yearned for in the past, but if not...that’s perfectly fine too. I guess my point in this is that not everyone’s the same and you shouldn’t feel guilty for not going thru what people expect you too go thru as you’re growing older. You go thru life at the beat of your own rhythm to cross them life crossroads..

Not In This Lifetime Baby...


Every girl has that one band that is everything for her. That one band that's always there for the highest of highs and to pick her up on the lowest of lows. For me? It's always been Guns N' Roses. I've been in love with that band (in particular that red-headed lead singer) ever since I could remember. Always collecting their records, cassettes, VHS, books, magazines, you name it--I most likely own it! So, imagine my reaction when earlier this year they announced the big tour with Axl, Duff, and SLASH! Of course, it would have been a dream to have had the original 5 onstage, but as any real and true gunner knows, that wasn't really going to happen for obvious reasons that are obvious.


So, there you have me a few weeks later--purchasing front row center tickets to their San Francisco show at the AT&T Park Stadium. The day of the show, my companion and I tried to drive into the city early in order to avoid heavy gridlock traffic and of course, with my luck, that is exactly what we got! Hours later, we finally managed to score a sweet parking space. We were running towards the stadium like we were being chased by a madman towards that stadium before doors opened. Once inside, I was finally able to relax when I started seeing those rose-covered revolvers spinning and shooting on the big screens because I knew all was well and that in mere minutes I'd be seeing three of my childhood idols in the flesh!


The band got into it with Duff's fat bass intro to their classic “It's So Easy.” Not going to lie, I kinda lost my shit seeing Axl, Duff, & Slash so close and in the flesh. I may or may not have cried (more like full-blown bawling) when Axl got into “November Rain,”--can you blame me? The whole show was beyond amazing, raw, and energetic. Axl was so on point. His voice was better than I've ever heard it before. It was a sad moment when they finally started playing Paradise City as that is their signature closing off tune, followed by Axl always throwing his microphone into the crowd once he screams last scream of the night thanking and wishing the crowd a "GOOD FUCKING NIGHT!".


And that, it was. I came back home with a smile on my face. Dreaming of the next time I would see them. Xxx